from now on my penis is your penis
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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