I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
