There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
