It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
