Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
