The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
