so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
