Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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