Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
