I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
