Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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