ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
