The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
