apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Randomize
