Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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