woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
