I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
