Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
