I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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