Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
