Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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