my vag is so smooth its legendary
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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