clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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