you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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