she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
