just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
