she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you told grandpa to call you daddy
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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