She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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