It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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