someone threw a dead crab at me
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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