I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
