his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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