tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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