My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
