did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
