Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
