you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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