You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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