The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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