My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
