We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
