You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
