he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
