Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
