Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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