dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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