smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
