everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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