A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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