Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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