I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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