I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I don't think brook has ever known best
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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