I wish my penis had an off switch
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize