I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
