the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
my liver is dry heaving
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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