i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
