even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I FOUND THE LEGS
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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