OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
porn star boner night. come get it.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
